Zach said yesterday that I am a stern person. This is true sometimes. (Most of the time.) I think, most of all, I am a worrywart, and that doesn’t translate so well into jubilant facial expressions.

Sometimes I think I should be a “looser” person. Sniff a little coke, take a little x, smoke a little weed, drink a little bit. I am one to try new experiences as I so dare, but first and foremost, I am responsible. I politely decline others’ requests to see me “wasted” — oh, no, thank you, “wasted” just leads to the wastebasket. I stay home and pretend to study instead of effectively using my time to visit friends because I might need that extra couple of hours to write my paper. And besides, I had my era of reckless teenage abandon. I’m not just sorry ’cause I got caught, but I am sorry that I chose the wrong arena to play in. I wouldn’t want to repeat that mistake. I thought — still think, really — I knew everything. That’s the one characteristic that links all teenagers, I’m afraid.

Will I regret, six months or more from now, that I didn’t take the time to fulfill every college experience I’d ever considered doing? Some, yes. Others, no. I read a Jezebel piece today about violence and feminism. I couldn’t form a concrete opinion. I would find things I thought I believed in only to see those ideas be shot down, those ideas that others dared speak first. And then I would figure, yeah, maybe the others are right. I guess it’s somewhat of a commentary on how much we let others affect us. These weren’t even public figures or multibillion dollar industries or the government. These were just normal people with their own opinions. Where do I fall into all of that? If I still don’t know what I believe — even if I’m on the brink of figuring it out — then maybe I should take the process of making my own decisions a little slower.

I realized today that I am still so, so, so young. There is so much I don’t know, and want to know, about the world. I hope I find the time to discover it all.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pm and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.