Zach said yesterday that I am a stern person. This is true sometimes. (Most of the time.) I think, most of all, I am a worrywart, and that doesn’t translate so well into jubilant facial expressions.

Sometimes I think I should be a “looser” person. Sniff a little coke, take a little x, smoke a little weed, drink a little bit. I am one to try new experiences as I so dare, but first and foremost, I am responsible. I politely decline others’ requests to see me “wasted” — oh, no, thank you, “wasted” just leads to the wastebasket. I stay home and pretend to study instead of effectively using my time to visit friends because I might need that extra couple of hours to write my paper. And besides, I had my era of reckless teenage abandon. I’m not just sorry ’cause I got caught, but I am sorry that I chose the wrong arena to play in. I wouldn’t want to repeat that mistake. I thought — still think, really — I knew everything. That’s the one characteristic that links all teenagers, I’m afraid.

Will I regret, six months or more from now, that I didn’t take the time to fulfill every college experience I’d ever considered doing? Some, yes. Others, no. I read a Jezebel piece today about violence and feminism. I couldn’t form a concrete opinion. I would find things I thought I believed in only to see those ideas be shot down, those ideas that others dared speak first. And then I would figure, yeah, maybe the others are right. I guess it’s somewhat of a commentary on how much we let others affect us. These weren’t even public figures or multibillion dollar industries or the government. These were just normal people with their own opinions. Where do I fall into all of that? If I still don’t know what I believe — even if I’m on the brink of figuring it out — then maybe I should take the process of making my own decisions a little slower.

I realized today that I am still so, so, so young. There is so much I don’t know, and want to know, about the world. I hope I find the time to discover it all.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pm and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Introducing jackiehuang.net. The layout leaves something to be desired, but when you’ve got to hustle to put together a portfolio website in mere days, you make do with whatever craziness you can come up with. I’m still deciding if I’d like to move my blog or not — are my silly musings appropriate enough for something that’s so prominently displayed on my resume? The debate continues, in my mind. Stay tuned.

In related news, I realized that the internship that I so desperately want clashes with a rather important date — F’s graduation. My options are as follows: one, find another internship or just take a summer off for once; two, skip graduation because technically I’ve already been to one of his (ha!); three, fly back from wherever I end up to see it and fly back immediately afterward. Not exactly the vision I imagined when I thought about our finishing college together. But time will tell. Who knows if I will even get the internship? Things will happen as they may. I can’t bear the thought of missing out on such an important day but is it a sacrifice I’m willing to make?

I still wonder sometimes if this life I’ve chosen is going to work out for me. I’d much rather be blessed with extraordinary talent in one thing than relative skill in a lot of things. Perhaps these things are related and will work to my advantage. Perhaps this is all a mistake in the making. I guess the only way to find out is to take a chance!

Another semester is ending. While I may not have accomplished all the things I wanted to, in this moment, I am happy.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm and is filed under Life updates, Site updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

I just had this dream in which, to make a long story short (and dreams are always long stories), I was about to adopt a six-month-old baby named Chuckie.

This particular dream has some backstory. I believe it’s a continuation of another dream I had, in which I had met the newborn version of this baby amongst all the others and decided to adopt him for some insane reason. I’m not older or richer (certainly not wiser) in dreamland, so I can’t imagine why I would decide I have the ability to take care of a damn baby when I can barely take care of my apartment.

I also gave him the name Chuckie. As in the Rugrats, not the horror movie. I decided against the name Charles and decided just to put Chuckie on his birth certificate, because it’s such a great name. Why are there so many newborn orphans in this dream, anyway?

In a gigantic fail by the orphanage, I was approved for adoption. And apparently Chuckie was really excited, the orphanage rep told me, at his very eloquent six months of age. I then, assuming some sense was knocked into me between last night and the last dream, pondered how I would raise this baby, by myself, in Baltimore, while being a full-time student. Good question.

But then I felt bad for this poor child, who had obviously had his hopes up for being adopted. (I have a feeling this draws from the Boy Meets World when Eric wants to adopt his “little brother.”) Oh yeah, Chuckie is gonna be really sad, and devastated for life since somebody didn’t adopt his six-month-old ass, Jackie. He’s gonna remember your face and seek revenge later (maybe this does draw from the horror film….).

On the way to the orphanage to see Chuckie, I decided to call my mom and ask her what to do. “Should I adopt this baby for no apparent reason, or just let him spiral into a mass of psychological problems later on?” Of course my mother would have nothing but positive words at the thought of me with a child! She, of the maternity nurse type, who has always held this underlying fear — no, terror — that I would one day tell her the dreaded words I’m pregnant, would be nothing but supportive!

My dreams are so unrealistic.

Except for one thing: the orphanage rep told me that Chuckie was oddly mature for his age, like a 40-year-old stuck in a six-month-old’s body. I said, “That’s just like Chuckie in Rugrats!” and then I said, “Damn, that’s just like me.”

So maybe I should have adopted him after all.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am and is filed under Random, Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 at 2:01 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Thanksgiving break buys (in no particular order):

• Pink Rampage wool coat w faux fur collar and gigantic jewel buttons
• Wine Blowfish flats w cinched back & slight wedge
• Two pairs of True Religion skinnys (+alterations)
• Charcoal Free People tube top
• Too-big Hurley check hoodie for Joshua (he’ll grow into it very soon at the rate he’s going)
• New heels for my patent leather Nine West stilettos
• Lots of food, as always
• Laura Mercier brow definer
• EA Active for Wii for Mom
• Intuos3 6×8 tablet

And this doesn’t include the Urban Decay palette (+eyeshadow potion) and EcoTools brushes I bought before break. So much for saving.

Next shopping task: find surprise presents for F. This is gonna be a tough one.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 30th, 2009 at 1:32 am and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Kinda funny how you can be on this high and then do something you completely regret. Something that just ruins it.

I guess I am being dramatic, but it’s 1 (4) AM. I’m in the dark. It’s somehow always darker in my room at home than it is in Baltimore. My mind wanders and I think really irrational things.

Some things are not so irrational. I wonder why this whole thing is necessary. I get it. But I still wish it wasn’t that way. And I know it’s best to cut my losses and move on, but.. just the thought of it. Spreading like the plague (or its modern day equivalents on the mass-hysteria, H1N1 and SARS. Oh yeah, remember that?).

I don’t really have anybody I can talk to about this. Whom I can really, truly trust, and who won’t get tired of me ranting about it. So I don’t think I will ever be over it. I really felt it, you know? Everything is so much infinitely better now. But I still feel the traces.

It’s always, always, always like this. My life can basically be summed up like this: after everything I did for you, I end up with the losses. You’ve got what you wanted, right? I shouldn’t ask people to choose anymore.

I always expect that there will be more disappointment in my life. I am constantly setting myself up for the biggest one of all. Sometimes I get this gut-wrenching feeling in my chest — the kind you can really, really feel — because I somehow know it is not going to work out. But damn it if this time I’ve convinced myself it’s completely worth it. Oh, God, I just felt it. I shot myself in the foot. In the head. In the heart.

I need to stop being silly.

Let’s try it.

There is no better feeling in the world than that of being in your arms. I always try to remember how it feels because you won’t have this for a while, take advantage of it now but it escapes me no matter how long we embrace. This is some sappy shit, but I swear, in that moment I am happy. And irreconcilably sad as well.

I know that you are happy when I’m happy. I always want to see some emotion from you, but it is the worst feeling in the world when you are sad or mad or upset. Especially when it’s because of me, and be careful what you wish for, right? But if it will make you happy, I will be happy. I will be calm. I will be weightless. I am happy. When I’m with you.

I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. All I know is that before I know it this will be gone.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 21st, 2009 at 4:13 am and is filed under Life updates, Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Being a junior provides a wealth of opportunities. But, as I’ve found out, that wealth is limited to those who don’t want to get out of college as fast as they can. Oh, no, no, no. Everybody loves to scoop up those people who are almost there, but not quite yet. The ones who will give them at least a good year to find somebody better before they put out a job offer (ok, totally a result of my imagination, but that’s how I think about it).

How is it that by saving $50,000, I lose out on so much stuff marketed to juniors? HBS 2+2, for example. I’d like to think that with my social science emphasis and my claim-to-fame Nissan campaign (ha, it rhymes!) that I just might have a chance. But only juniors with one semester left after application, please. Everybody else, please see the regular application — which, you know, is basically reserved for CEOs and Silicon Valley boy geniuses. I am neither of the two (though marginally closer to the latter). Goodbye, business school. I didn’t really care all that much for you anyway. Harumph.

I guess the other thing is, I’m missing out on my senior year. I’m kind of living it now — living it up, really, and I am having a lot of fun — but it’s not as fun when you don’t get to be called a senior. And you aren’t on the senior mailing lists. And juniors need not apply. I’m basically class-less. (Not in the Bridezilla-Karen kinda way, but in the homeless kinda way.) Where do I belong?

Am I even cut out to go back home now? What the hell am I gonna do after I graduate? More importantly, how am I gonna move all this shit I’ve accumulated back to California?

Only time will tell.

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 8th, 2009 at 11:59 pm and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Three years later, and I am still passionately, devotedly, hopelessly… in wholehearted love with you.

Here’s to the next three years.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 10:50 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

This past year has put so much into perspective for me. Despite all the little setbacks that bugged (ha ha) me so much lately, I am so glad to be where I am. I need to count my blessings every day.

• I have a job (unlike the over 600,000 people in the US who file unemployment claims every week — just a little tidbit I picked up from work)
• I have a great education (though Positive Psych is kind of killing me with its BS)
• I have good times with great friends
• I have the relationship that most girls would kill for (though I take it for granted sometimes)
• I have an amazing family, who has stood by me through everything and whom I love my relationship with

I guess I just wanted to put it in writing today. A little reminder to myself, you know? Sometimes I forget: life goes on, and things are pretty damn great.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 at 1:02 pm and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

I am always drawn to write when I’ve got something utterly more important to do — in this case, study for my Stats final that is a mere 10.5 hours away. I’ve been ridiculously unproductive all day, though I promised I wouldn’t be. You just can’t force things like that though, right?

I figured out that whenever I finish my final tomorrow, I will be 66% done with college. Read more »

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 10th, 2009 at 9:28 pm and is filed under Life updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.